by Ronja Baerecke

Last week I went on a date with a nice guy. The first date. I truly had fun – til the moment he told me how attractive I was and that he wanted to take me home. In this moment I was sure – I needed to figure out a way to tell him that I was not that kind of girl.

Kindness is not always flirting.

“Harry and Sally”- effect: difficult to be friends with a guy

So, I gave him a clear statement on this point. I mean, outside of what he said, the rest of the evening was fine and apart from that he seemed like a good, intelligent guy. But he didn’t stop. So here is my point: why? How much clearer should I have been so that he would stop with the sexual thing?

There are so many ways to read or watch in media how women like to be treated and, most importantly, how they don’t like to be treated. And the saying, “girls mean yes when they say no” is way outdated. Just because you ask ten times doesn’t mean that I will change my mind. It feels more like arguing with a child who wants candy. And to be honest, who would find that attractive in a partner?

It is hard for boys, but nevertheless..

Don’t get me wrong: being a guy, I’m sure, is as hard as it has ever been before, especially in countries with strong female cultures like in Germany or Spain. By now, I have lived in different parts of the Middle East and Europe. And there are so many women that also misunderstand men, that is for sure. Your role to be a man in society can be so unequal from country to country. As a German woman, I must ask: Where are the gentlemen from the movies? Where are the guys, picking a girl up, inviting her for dinner and bringing her home without thinking of getting something back for it? And by “something” I mean sexual service.

The term sexual service sounds hard at first, but it’s what men expect of me when I go on dates today I mean, yeah, we are women, we want to be sexy, we even feel flattered when you give us compliments. But why are you thinking we’re open to anything just because we’re nice?

A smile is a sign of happiness.

Sure, we smile when we enjoy our time on a date and we love to have fun. But we mean real fun, like watching a good movie, having a picnic in the park or going ice skating. Being pretty, nice and self-confident is not code for “I really want to get laid tonight.”

Work and sex

We even like to flirt with you. I mean, why shouldn’t we? We wouldn’t go on a date with you if we didn’t like you. But today I got the feeling that it’s very complicated to act in nice ways around you. It starts at work, when we talk to a colleague kindly. We work together, so there should be good vibes between us. Friendliness is a must somehow to have a good team result in a company. I come from a region where people are very tolerant, open minded and lovely to everyone – without any second thoughts. Why we cannot practise this at work in the same way without always getting sexual?

We live in an overSEXED society

The problem is that we lose limits and probably some of us have not clear in mind with whom they are and what they want. The film (porn especially) and advertising industry makes us understand that you have to go and get that sexual fix all the time.. But not everything is about sex, no everything has to be sensual… there can be conversations between man and woman, normal conversations, we just can hang out together or just laugh together.  º


Yes, some of us like to hug, kiss and spend time with people we barely know. I’ve always liked that kind of lifestyle.  But today I got the feeling that it is very complicated to act nicely with your guys. But I have to admit that I think that many girls also misunderstand men and their signals. It is just that the whole thing of mtoo and other campaigns against sexual abuse and harassment and many femenists’ statement have turned flirting in something that seems not to be allowed at work. Which is stupid. The problem is that we lose limits and probably some of us have not clear in mind with whom they are and what they want. The film industry makes us understand that you have to go and get the kick all the time, but in the end it is a lot of talk.


People do not have as much sex as they pretend. Men especially like to show off their sexual experience. Most of the women would consider that to be immature and not sexy at all.

It starts at work, when I talk to a colleague in a kind way. We work together, so there should be a good feel between us. I come from a region where people are very tolerant, open minded and lovely to everyone. We like to hug, kiss and spend time with people we barely know. I’ ve always liked that kind of lifestyle. But the older I get, the more difficult it is to act with these values, because they are being misunderstood. I can just say: please stop that, no girl likes that. Hey, if we’re friendly, just feel comfortable around us. Enjoy the time, laugh and be yourself. Usually I think a lot of men are compensating with trying to be a macho stuff and with being overly sexual. I mean, show us that you have much more to offer than that.

Women love men with principles

Men are many times ridiculous trying to attract a female. Some of them watch to many porns instead of romantic movies. They think it is cool to be tough and very direct. Men in important positions and very intelligent, having everything they want, risk sometimes everything to verify they can persuade and control a woman. Especially in the relation between bosses and employees it is common that there is a kind of tension in this sense, sometimes also provoked by women. It is about power, it is about control, about manipulation and it is about sex. But honestly, try to be a man and that means:


Don’t be a macho, be a real man with principles.


Listen, we don’t mean we just like guys who look like Brad Pitt etc.. and who completely sweep us off our feet. I can tell you it is a real turn-on when a man is different, strong in a different way, for instance when he does not stare or fall immediately for the obvious. We love it if he likes to laugh, talk and is able to have just a good time with a good company, without staring at our tits and asses. We love somenone who can differentiate between his work and private life, someone who does not act out of vanity, someone who shows real interest in what we say and not in what we look like.

We love men with principles that can say no to a woman.

We love funny man, more than sexy ones

I’ve never met any woman who didn’t like a man with humor, intelligence and a charming character, but also a bit of mystery about him. Let’s get together, but not force things. There are enough commercials and TV shows with half naked women to let the rest of us feel as if we’re some kind of cheap meat.

I mean seriously, have you ever watched a quiet romantic movie (if you are male reader you probably do not watch these kind of movies ..) where the girl really wants to have sex with the guy the first night they meet? I haven’t! So the next time, talking to a nice woman, just be kind and lovely and I am sure if she really wants more than this, she can give you the right signals without you being a jerk.